Thoughts on Phil

I have just finished reading a bit of the book, DEATH OF A REBEL: A Biography of Phil Ochs. Now I am listening to CRUCIFIXION. I can feel my obsession and fascination with Phil growing as I read about him and listen to him. I grow angry with him as I read and listen. As I'LL BE THERE plays on my CD player, I yell "BUT YOU'RE NOT HERE BECAUSE YOU KILLED YOURSELF! WE STILL FUCKING NEED YOU PHIL!!" I feel that it would be an appropriate time for me to break down and cry hysterically but I have yet to. Instead I just turn off my old CD player and leave my bedroom in a controlled rage. I wait for the day when I finally own a Phil Ochs vinyl. I picture myself listening to it, clutching the sleeve against my body- silent. I get paid today. Perhaps I will purchase one off of Amazon or Ebay. I would rather have his voice on an old record, playing through my imitation-retro record player that tends to get fuzzy from that time it plummeted off of the top shelf in my closet- than a goodwill bike anyways.

AS I LISTEN TO CRUCIFIXION, I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK ABOUT HOW HE BECAME THE HERO KILLED OFF, BUT BY HIS OWN HANDS. THIS SONG COULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN ABOUT HIM, BY HIM.OH THE SUBCONSCIOUS.

"They say they can't believe it, it's a sacreligious shame
Now, who would want to hurt such a hero of the game?
But you know I predicted it; I knew he had to fall
How did it happen? I hope his suffering was small.
Tell me every detail, for I've got to know it all,
And do you have a picture of the pain?

So dance dance dance
Teach us to be true
Come dance dance dance
'Cause we love you"

This morning, as I read, I came across-
"In the office, Phil was constantly in motion, like a pinball, moving from person to person, room to room, grabbing his guitar, playing his latest songs, asking everyone if it was great, making a million telephone calls ('Ochs here'), eating Chinese food out of white containers with his fingers, running his hand through his hair, laughing at everything."

For a moment, I felt that everything that I even needed to know about Phil was right there in that long, beautifully crafted sentence.
For a moment I thought about dedicating my entire life to inventing a time machine so I could go back to the 60s and meet him.
But instead, I read some more and imagined how great it would have been to see this fascinating man in action.